Runaway

Dear Whoever-

I find myself going through the same things every week.  Today, it started over my stepson's hair.  I want it to be cut, but my husband wants it long.  I figure maybe I can be just as stubborn as he is and not do it and then maybe he would finally decide to cut it.  Wrong!  It turned into an argument over the way I treat him, I'm giving up on him and that he is going to move with his grandmother. 

I can't keep going back and forth like this.  So I just took my stuff and went upstairs to cry in my bedroom.  The thoughts of wanting to die poured in like usual.  I feel like I am 15 again and living at my moms.  A battle everyday and me being depressed and alone.  I wanted to run away then, and at 25 I want to run away now.

In another internal battle I have with myself, I went and did my blood work to look into what may be causing the multiple miscarriages.  I feel like I am the only one that is concerned with it and again I am on the road alone.  I wonder if I should continue to pursue anything, especially if the end means I will not get pregnant and/or my husband is going to leave me.  My mind just says: Why bother? over and over and over.

I made an appointment at mental health for this Wednesday.  Hopefully I actually have time to go, and I hope the psychiatrist/counselor (whatever she is) doesn't upset me.  I do not like when they try to blame others or insinuate negative things about others.  I do that enough, I do not need a professional doing that for me.  I think a lot of it has to do with me being afraid of what she is going to uncover.  There are so many issues that have been pushed aside for so long, that I'm not sure I can handle dealing with them, especially right now.

I start working in my new clinic tomorrow.  I am of course nervous and apprehensive about it.  I do not like meeting new people and getting assimilated into how things work there.  I hope it is less work and more laid back, but you never know.  I am really not looking forward to it at all.  Just more unnecessary stress that I really do not want to deal with.

That's it for now.

Me