Dear Whoever-
My stepdad was recently diagnosed with cancer in December. We previously had been told he had pneumonia, bronchitis, and the bumps on his head were just cysts. Wrong! Stage 4 Lung Cancer ended up being the diagnosis after biopsying the "cysts" on his head and going to three different doctors.
In the passing weeks, he went through two different types of chemotherapy, blood transfusions and began losing weight and getting weak very quickly. A followup showed the mass had not grown nor shrunk and then recently hope was provided when we were told the bumps on his head may not be cancer at all, but just crazy lymph nodes.
His breathing has been getting more labored and he went back to the doctor last Friday (March 21). Apparently they did more xrays and they were going to set him up for radiation and chemo next week to zap the mass between his lungs. A glimmer of hope was past along in the message. We were going to figure this out and fix it.
Sunday (March 23), he called my mom and told her to call an ambulance for him because he didnt think he could wait for her to come home and then drive him to the hospital. They did more xrays on him and he stayed overnight.
Monday (March 24), Around 2pm I got the text message saying that it was all bad news, so i called my mother. Dave picked up the phone (very weak sounding) and began sobbing as he told me he had a maximum of 2 weeks to live. Its so sad for a grown man to cry, and to know that he is dying and he cant do anything about it.
We all just feel so helpless, and the more i think about how he feels, i just feel worse. How can you find out you are dying and you dont even have time to accept it? Its like you were kidnapped by foreign spies and they are just going to murder you. Its so sad.
Since I live so far away from home, I cant just run over there and offer my support. I cant be there for my mom and help her, i cant be there for him to make his last days maybe a little more bearable. Instead, i am stuck taking care of other people's family members 1900miles away. I used all of my leave by coming home for my uncle and grandmother's funerals, I cant even go for two weeks.
This is the big part of the military I hate. And the fact that it seems like everyone i know is dying, makes me expect it to continue. Who is next? How much time will I have?
Thats all for now.
Me
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Colonoscopy
Dear Whoever-
This past week I went for a colonoscopy. I have had severe pains and sometimes sudden diarrhea for a long time now. I always equated it with my period, but with the infertility issue I've been getting everything looked at. The most common suspects would be endometriosis or IBS. My Nana died of colon cancer and my mother has had polyps, so its not like I'm not a good candidate for such early screening anyways.
So, it just happens that I've been training with the GI clinic and now they were going to be doing my colonoscopy. Awkward! As if working in ob/gyn for three years wasn't awkward enough, now i have my butt probed by these people.
The Golytle prep was horrible. I regrettably mixed it with green Powerade on the second glass and it made it worse! The taste wasn't too bad, it just felt like it sat right on my gag reflex. Chasing it with warm water and ginger ale made it possible. When i was drinking the second half in the morning, i threw up a lot of it and decided i was done.
I didn't get called back until two hours past my appointment time, but it didn't really bother me because i was nervous. The one tech went to get an IV on me and the catheter wouldn't advance. It hurt like a son of a bitch. When he finally gave up and pulled it out of my arm, the catheter looked like i chewed it up and my arm still hurt. So, the anesthesiologist came to get one one me. I thought great, these guys always get the hard shit. He tried in my hand and failed, so ended up putting it in my right AC. I don't even have bad veins, but my nervousness messes everything up.
Anyways, they wheeled me back in the room and i said hi to everyone and asked the anesthesiologist to not let me wake up during the procedure. He told me i could feel burning in my arm (like we tell all the patients). it started to get very loud and then i woke up in the recovery room! It was great.
So far, i am getting a referral for a nodule and they biopsied some inflammation. I will hopefully find out the path results this week.
That's it for now.
Me
This past week I went for a colonoscopy. I have had severe pains and sometimes sudden diarrhea for a long time now. I always equated it with my period, but with the infertility issue I've been getting everything looked at. The most common suspects would be endometriosis or IBS. My Nana died of colon cancer and my mother has had polyps, so its not like I'm not a good candidate for such early screening anyways.
So, it just happens that I've been training with the GI clinic and now they were going to be doing my colonoscopy. Awkward! As if working in ob/gyn for three years wasn't awkward enough, now i have my butt probed by these people.
The Golytle prep was horrible. I regrettably mixed it with green Powerade on the second glass and it made it worse! The taste wasn't too bad, it just felt like it sat right on my gag reflex. Chasing it with warm water and ginger ale made it possible. When i was drinking the second half in the morning, i threw up a lot of it and decided i was done.
I didn't get called back until two hours past my appointment time, but it didn't really bother me because i was nervous. The one tech went to get an IV on me and the catheter wouldn't advance. It hurt like a son of a bitch. When he finally gave up and pulled it out of my arm, the catheter looked like i chewed it up and my arm still hurt. So, the anesthesiologist came to get one one me. I thought great, these guys always get the hard shit. He tried in my hand and failed, so ended up putting it in my right AC. I don't even have bad veins, but my nervousness messes everything up.
Anyways, they wheeled me back in the room and i said hi to everyone and asked the anesthesiologist to not let me wake up during the procedure. He told me i could feel burning in my arm (like we tell all the patients). it started to get very loud and then i woke up in the recovery room! It was great.
So far, i am getting a referral for a nodule and they biopsied some inflammation. I will hopefully find out the path results this week.
That's it for now.
Me
Friday, February 21, 2014
When will it be my turn?
Dear Whoever
I decided to vent while I am at work. Maybe this will help me release this negative energy before it festers into me being miserable the rest of the day. When will it be my turn? A resident brought in a cake today and announced she was expecting. Everyone is so happy for her, as they should be. I on the other hand have the bandaid ripped off of my healing wound and I start thinking about the miscarriages again. Since I tend to think so negatively, I immediately start judging her. I think that she shouldn't tell people if she just found out. What if she loses it? Did she really just find out? And so on... Then as I got back to my studies, the admin came and showed me the cake. He said excitedly "Its a boy!" Great, she is obviously well past just finding out since you do not discover the sex until approximatelly 18-22wks gestation. Then, I hear her tell someone down the hall that she is due at the end of July. That is when my due date was. I would have just been finding out the sex of MY baby... But, here I am sitting in my thoughts with no one having a clue that I am still mourning a loss and wondering if I will ever have a successful pregnancy.
That's it for now.
Me
I decided to vent while I am at work. Maybe this will help me release this negative energy before it festers into me being miserable the rest of the day. When will it be my turn? A resident brought in a cake today and announced she was expecting. Everyone is so happy for her, as they should be. I on the other hand have the bandaid ripped off of my healing wound and I start thinking about the miscarriages again. Since I tend to think so negatively, I immediately start judging her. I think that she shouldn't tell people if she just found out. What if she loses it? Did she really just find out? And so on... Then as I got back to my studies, the admin came and showed me the cake. He said excitedly "Its a boy!" Great, she is obviously well past just finding out since you do not discover the sex until approximatelly 18-22wks gestation. Then, I hear her tell someone down the hall that she is due at the end of July. That is when my due date was. I would have just been finding out the sex of MY baby... But, here I am sitting in my thoughts with no one having a clue that I am still mourning a loss and wondering if I will ever have a successful pregnancy.
That's it for now.
Me
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Runaway
Dear Whoever-
I find myself going through the same things every week. Today, it started over my stepson's hair. I want it to be cut, but my husband wants it long. I figure maybe I can be just as stubborn as he is and not do it and then maybe he would finally decide to cut it. Wrong! It turned into an argument over the way I treat him, I'm giving up on him and that he is going to move with his grandmother.
I can't keep going back and forth like this. So I just took my stuff and went upstairs to cry in my bedroom. The thoughts of wanting to die poured in like usual. I feel like I am 15 again and living at my moms. A battle everyday and me being depressed and alone. I wanted to run away then, and at 25 I want to run away now.
In another internal battle I have with myself, I went and did my blood work to look into what may be causing the multiple miscarriages. I feel like I am the only one that is concerned with it and again I am on the road alone. I wonder if I should continue to pursue anything, especially if the end means I will not get pregnant and/or my husband is going to leave me. My mind just says: Why bother? over and over and over.
I made an appointment at mental health for this Wednesday. Hopefully I actually have time to go, and I hope the psychiatrist/counselor (whatever she is) doesn't upset me. I do not like when they try to blame others or insinuate negative things about others. I do that enough, I do not need a professional doing that for me. I think a lot of it has to do with me being afraid of what she is going to uncover. There are so many issues that have been pushed aside for so long, that I'm not sure I can handle dealing with them, especially right now.
I start working in my new clinic tomorrow. I am of course nervous and apprehensive about it. I do not like meeting new people and getting assimilated into how things work there. I hope it is less work and more laid back, but you never know. I am really not looking forward to it at all. Just more unnecessary stress that I really do not want to deal with.
That's it for now.
Me
I find myself going through the same things every week. Today, it started over my stepson's hair. I want it to be cut, but my husband wants it long. I figure maybe I can be just as stubborn as he is and not do it and then maybe he would finally decide to cut it. Wrong! It turned into an argument over the way I treat him, I'm giving up on him and that he is going to move with his grandmother.
I can't keep going back and forth like this. So I just took my stuff and went upstairs to cry in my bedroom. The thoughts of wanting to die poured in like usual. I feel like I am 15 again and living at my moms. A battle everyday and me being depressed and alone. I wanted to run away then, and at 25 I want to run away now.
In another internal battle I have with myself, I went and did my blood work to look into what may be causing the multiple miscarriages. I feel like I am the only one that is concerned with it and again I am on the road alone. I wonder if I should continue to pursue anything, especially if the end means I will not get pregnant and/or my husband is going to leave me. My mind just says: Why bother? over and over and over.
I made an appointment at mental health for this Wednesday. Hopefully I actually have time to go, and I hope the psychiatrist/counselor (whatever she is) doesn't upset me. I do not like when they try to blame others or insinuate negative things about others. I do that enough, I do not need a professional doing that for me. I think a lot of it has to do with me being afraid of what she is going to uncover. There are so many issues that have been pushed aside for so long, that I'm not sure I can handle dealing with them, especially right now.
I start working in my new clinic tomorrow. I am of course nervous and apprehensive about it. I do not like meeting new people and getting assimilated into how things work there. I hope it is less work and more laid back, but you never know. I am really not looking forward to it at all. Just more unnecessary stress that I really do not want to deal with.
That's it for now.
Me
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Past few weeks
Dear Whoever,
I haven't written in a few weeks so naturally tons have happened. I don't really want to get into everything at this point. Basically my mother in law went behind my back talking about me etc to my 9yr old stepson. Great right? As if the kid isn't screwed up enough, and now I'm seeing part of the problem. Hen she has the nerve to threaten me in a status on Facebook because I took tv away from him because he didn't do what he was told. Are you kidding me? So the end result is she blocked me on Facebook and I am not going to buy his plane tickets or drive the 1200miles for him to go visit her. She can fucking pay for it. That's just a very brief summary, I'm sure something will happen down the road where I will elaborate on those two precious gems.
Ok so my dad finally had his surgery on Wednesday. Since the entire south was shut down on Tuesday I had to die to Florida at 2am to catch the 6am flight to make it back home in time for his surgery. I was so nervous because of how this past year has gone. Before my miscarriage I thought well I went through enough this year so is pregnancy has to be good. Wrong! So I had no idea what the fate would be for his surgery. So Wednesday we got there at 6am...yea no sleep for me... And I didn't leave until 8pm. Everything worked out fine but I just sit and sit and sit and sit with him to keep him company and hopefully make it easier for him. He should be going home Saturday. I'm scheduled to leave Tuesday and I feel like that's too early but I don't really have a choice.
Work: My first sergeant came in and asked me how I was doing and if I showing yet. I told him I had a miscarriage etc. a couple hours later he came back to the clinic and said I was moving. Shock! I said I didn't have to leave bla bla bla and he said no it's time, you've been here too long and he's not going to put me thru working with pregnant people all day every day and I keep having miscarriages. So a very nice gesture but in the end, everyone in my clinic loves and needs me there and learning a whole new job is just added stress in my life. I need to take it away. So when I get back from NY I will be moving to the new clinic on he 10th. Definitely not looking forward to it. Especially since my friends just got back from deployment so I wouldn't have been the only one that knows how to do my job anymore. Hopefully I can just get this school done and study for the GRE and submit my commissioning package without any roadblocks. But then, it wouldn't be my life were talking about.
Late breaking: my moms boyfriend supposedly had pneumonia last time I was home and now we find out he has copd, a mass between his esophagus and windpipe, and malignant tumors were taken off of his scalp. Crazy! So he's going to be starting radiation and chemo and they seem to act like everything is a okay. And I'm thinking this isn't good at all. It's great that he has a positive outlook but I don't know. When I can over Tuesday night he looked sick. Greenish grey skin, was freezing cold one minute and then soaked in sweat the next. I feel so bad. I really hope everything works out but shit...idk what to do or think or expect. Another worry to add to my mind.
Ok so I've had a couple tests so far on my journey to see if anything physically is causing these miscarriages. The ultrasound reported I have many nabothian cysts by my cervix which is nothing major and then a 7mm something adjacent to my endometrial stripe. So the something they tossed around was focal adenomyosis, complicated cyst, or a fibroid. So nothing informative really. Then the next day I had my HSG. Holy ouch! It did not feel nice when he pierced into my cervix. That showed that my tubes were nice and wide open, but there was a "filling defect" concordat with the ultrasound finding, sooooo we still do not know what it is.. The only thing I can come up with which may or may not be accurate is the last time the baby imbedded right in this defect. So that Is why the quant levels weren't rising appropriately and my progesterone levels were low etc. I asked he doc what are the odds that I get pregnant again and it imbedded in the same spot. She said not likely, so as of right now I am not pursuing a scope to go in and look at what exactly it is. If I miscarry again, then definitely. But not right now.
That's it for now.
Me
I haven't written in a few weeks so naturally tons have happened. I don't really want to get into everything at this point. Basically my mother in law went behind my back talking about me etc to my 9yr old stepson. Great right? As if the kid isn't screwed up enough, and now I'm seeing part of the problem. Hen she has the nerve to threaten me in a status on Facebook because I took tv away from him because he didn't do what he was told. Are you kidding me? So the end result is she blocked me on Facebook and I am not going to buy his plane tickets or drive the 1200miles for him to go visit her. She can fucking pay for it. That's just a very brief summary, I'm sure something will happen down the road where I will elaborate on those two precious gems.
Ok so my dad finally had his surgery on Wednesday. Since the entire south was shut down on Tuesday I had to die to Florida at 2am to catch the 6am flight to make it back home in time for his surgery. I was so nervous because of how this past year has gone. Before my miscarriage I thought well I went through enough this year so is pregnancy has to be good. Wrong! So I had no idea what the fate would be for his surgery. So Wednesday we got there at 6am...yea no sleep for me... And I didn't leave until 8pm. Everything worked out fine but I just sit and sit and sit and sit with him to keep him company and hopefully make it easier for him. He should be going home Saturday. I'm scheduled to leave Tuesday and I feel like that's too early but I don't really have a choice.
Work: My first sergeant came in and asked me how I was doing and if I showing yet. I told him I had a miscarriage etc. a couple hours later he came back to the clinic and said I was moving. Shock! I said I didn't have to leave bla bla bla and he said no it's time, you've been here too long and he's not going to put me thru working with pregnant people all day every day and I keep having miscarriages. So a very nice gesture but in the end, everyone in my clinic loves and needs me there and learning a whole new job is just added stress in my life. I need to take it away. So when I get back from NY I will be moving to the new clinic on he 10th. Definitely not looking forward to it. Especially since my friends just got back from deployment so I wouldn't have been the only one that knows how to do my job anymore. Hopefully I can just get this school done and study for the GRE and submit my commissioning package without any roadblocks. But then, it wouldn't be my life were talking about.
Late breaking: my moms boyfriend supposedly had pneumonia last time I was home and now we find out he has copd, a mass between his esophagus and windpipe, and malignant tumors were taken off of his scalp. Crazy! So he's going to be starting radiation and chemo and they seem to act like everything is a okay. And I'm thinking this isn't good at all. It's great that he has a positive outlook but I don't know. When I can over Tuesday night he looked sick. Greenish grey skin, was freezing cold one minute and then soaked in sweat the next. I feel so bad. I really hope everything works out but shit...idk what to do or think or expect. Another worry to add to my mind.
Ok so I've had a couple tests so far on my journey to see if anything physically is causing these miscarriages. The ultrasound reported I have many nabothian cysts by my cervix which is nothing major and then a 7mm something adjacent to my endometrial stripe. So the something they tossed around was focal adenomyosis, complicated cyst, or a fibroid. So nothing informative really. Then the next day I had my HSG. Holy ouch! It did not feel nice when he pierced into my cervix. That showed that my tubes were nice and wide open, but there was a "filling defect" concordat with the ultrasound finding, sooooo we still do not know what it is.. The only thing I can come up with which may or may not be accurate is the last time the baby imbedded right in this defect. So that Is why the quant levels weren't rising appropriately and my progesterone levels were low etc. I asked he doc what are the odds that I get pregnant again and it imbedded in the same spot. She said not likely, so as of right now I am not pursuing a scope to go in and look at what exactly it is. If I miscarry again, then definitely. But not right now.
That's it for now.
Me
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