Dear Whoever,
Today didn't start off too unusual. Thankfully I am off of work and could sleep in, and ironically my husband was the one getting ready for work. ( I say ironically because typically I am getting ready while he is still sleeping.) So when he announced he was leaving for the day, I reminded him to put his ring on that he had lying on the bathroom counter for two days now. He turned around and probably reluctantly put it on and then left without the usual kiss. Nice huh? Now go back to sleep without wanting to cry and think about shit.
So the day went pretty smoothly. My mother is in town visiting, so I took her around to various stores. While we were in Kohls, I kept feeling the need to keep an eye on my stepson to make sure he wasn't tempted to put anything in his pockets. Worse case scenarios always flow through my head. I just imagined being stopped by security and it be because someone has a problem with taking things.
Then I bought more shampoo for my dog. He's been itching for a while and when I was in NY last week visiting family, he ripped out some patches of fur. Shit always happens when I'm out of town. During his bath, I got the whole picture of what's going on with his skin. He has open sores, scabs and some fur is all stuck together. Shampoo wasn't doing anything. I decided he has mange and made an appt for the vet. Poor baby, I hope they don't have to shave his fur.
Then, my husband gets home. He seems in a relatively ok mood. Actually started a conversation and then remembered he didn't like me and went upstairs. He texted me asking to talk, I said not now because I'm sitting with my mother and she leaves tomorrow. After a few back and forth texts about how I don't have a choice, I went upstairs to "talk".
He began with the words I feel so defenseless against " I plan on moving out". Ok, so now what do I say? Do I beg someone to stay with me if I make them that unhappy? Do I react at all as I think about all of the death this year and two miscarriages? Just another day in the life of me, right? So, basically we got nowhere and here I am typing away as if someone is really listening because there is no one that listens.
He told me he hasn't wanted to kill hisself in a long time. I reply with "just shoot me first" and apparently that wasn't the right response for him either. Truth is I wouldn't be able to handle another death right now, especially his. And on the other hand, times like these makes me want to die. I wish I could truthfully tell someone I want to end it all! I'm tired of the constant struggle and pain and bad luck. But, then I will get reported and put on 72hr watch. So I have no one! Ahhh!
Honestly, the only thing that keeps me from going further then just wanting to kill myself, is knowing how much it would hurt my dad. He lost his brother and his mother within a month this year. I don't want to add more pain to him, by giving up on HeLL.
He might be having surgery not he third. Supposedly they're putting a stent in. I work in the medical field, but I know nothing about stents. I just really hope it's nothing serious. I thought after all of the death this year, that I was immune to more loss. And then the second miscarriage happened. So now I feel like nothing has gone right this year, why would that?
That's it for now,
Me.
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